My social/travel anxiety reared its ugly head yesterday when I was unable to make the trip to the RWA Conference in San Antonio.
I really thought I would be able to do it.
I was always shy. Never stopped. I had a stutter that had me in speech classes from the 4th to 6th grades. I overcame the stutter.
And I'm so different than the girl who wouldn't attend her high school or college graduation. Different from the 22 year-old who didn't want a big wedding and said her vows at the town hall in front of a water fountain (with no water because there was a drought than year).
Sigh... perhaps not so different
I thought I've learned to manage it by knowing my limitations without living a limited life. I keep my life pretty simple, live in the country, have great friends, and a wonderful family. I do go places... places that don't involve plane trips. I'm not scared of the actual flying but the worries of getting to the airport, going through security, missing a connecting flight, the airline losing my luggage, getting to the hotel... just to repeat the process a few days later. Worry...worry...worry
Then I worried I would be a bad roommate since I don't sleep well. I worried about be allergic to something in the hotel which has happened to me before. I worried, worried, worried
The RWA National Conference is huge and overwhelming. The crazy thing is that romance writers are the nicest people on the planet. The ladies I was supposed to present with were so kind and understanding that it sent me on a crying jag. Seriously, what is wrong me!
Because why in the hell would I chose to board a cruise ship headed out of New Jersey into Hurricane Sandy as it cruised to Bermuda and NOT get on a plane bound for a place with awesome people and perhaps great opportunities? What is wrong with this picture?
So next time I go to the doctor I'll talk to her about it. Meanwhile, a wonderful friend messaged me a website about anxiety so I'll give that a look over.
And when I get it over it hopefully this won't happen...
"I remember being onstage once when I didn't have fear: I got so scared I didn't have fear that it brought on an anxiety attack." Carly Simon
but I will worry that it will....
So sorry this happened, Liz. But you tried, you didn't automatically say no, you couldn't do it, and that counts for something. Next time will be different.
ReplyDeleteAnd when you're with friends, who cares if you don't sleep good or if you get nervous, or need some reassurance? We all have our issues. And we're there for one another.
Don't be too hard on yourself. Stock up on allergy pills and come to NJRWA!!!!
Thanks Wendy! Yes I'm all signed up and will stock up on Bendrayl!
ReplyDeleteAnd I think my new motto will be I Survived Cruising in Hurricane Sandy... I Survive Anything
ReplyDeleteIn my experience, each time you survive something that causes panic, the less the panic will effect you the next time. I'm not a great flyer. I used to be a lot worse. I would dread flying. Wouldn't sleep the night before. Would feel totally panicked and closed in on an airplane. And you know what happened? I got on a flight to Florida with my three young (at the time) children and my husband and then sat on the ground - in the airplane which did not have air blowing - for two hours. TWO HOURS. We were not allowed to get off the airplane. I was a wreck. But I survived it without passing out. And the next time I flew I figured, if I could survive that, I could survive most anything. (Well, except crashing. I still have a fear of that!!!!)
ReplyDeleteI'm really sorry it didn't work out as you had planned, but I think it is great you wrote about it. We all have anxiety of some sort. Everyone's is different so you are not alone.
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