My social/travel anxiety reared its ugly head yesterday when I was unable to make the trip to the RWA Conference in San Antonio.
I really thought I would be able to do it.
I was always shy. Never stopped. I had a stutter that had me in speech classes from the 4th to 6th grades. I overcame the stutter.
And I'm so different than the girl who wouldn't attend her high school or college graduation. Different from the 22 year-old who didn't want a big wedding and said her vows at the town hall in front of a water fountain (with no water because there was a drought than year).
Sigh... perhaps not so different
I thought I've learned to manage it by knowing my limitations without living a limited life. I keep my life pretty simple, live in the country, have great friends, and a wonderful family. I do go places... places that don't involve plane trips. I'm not scared of the actual flying but the worries of getting to the airport, going through security, missing a connecting flight, the airline losing my luggage, getting to the hotel... just to repeat the process a few days later. Worry...worry...worry
Then I worried I would be a bad roommate since I don't sleep well. I worried about be allergic to something in the hotel which has happened to me before. I worried, worried, worried
The RWA National Conference is huge and overwhelming. The crazy thing is that romance writers are the nicest people on the planet. The ladies I was supposed to present with were so kind and understanding that it sent me on a crying jag. Seriously, what is wrong me!
Because why in the hell would I chose to board a cruise ship headed out of New Jersey into Hurricane Sandy as it cruised to Bermuda and NOT get on a plane bound for a place with awesome people and perhaps great opportunities? What is wrong with this picture?
So next time I go to the doctor I'll talk to her about it. Meanwhile, a wonderful friend messaged me a website about anxiety so I'll give that a look over.
And when I get it over it hopefully this won't happen...
"I remember being onstage once when I didn't have fear: I got so scared I didn't have fear that it brought on an anxiety attack." Carly Simon
but I will worry that it will....