“Our anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strengths.” Charles H. Spurgeon

My social/travel anxiety reared its ugly head yesterday when I was unable to make the trip to the RWA Conference in San Antonio. 

I really thought I would be able to do it. 

I was always shy. Never stopped. I had a stutter that had me in speech classes from the 4th to 6th grades. I overcame the stutter.

And I'm so different than the girl who wouldn't attend her high school or college graduation. Different from the 22 year-old who didn't want a big wedding and said her vows at the town hall in front of a water fountain (with no water because there was a drought than year). 

Sigh... perhaps not so different

I thought I've learned to manage it by knowing my limitations without living a limited life. I keep my life pretty simple, live in the country, have great friends, and a wonderful family. I do go places... places that don't involve plane trips. I'm not scared of the actual flying but the worries of getting to the airport, going through security, missing a connecting flight, the airline losing my luggage, getting to the hotel... just to repeat the process a few days later. Worry...worry...worry

Then I worried I would be a bad roommate since I don't sleep well. I worried about be allergic to something in the hotel which has happened to me before. I worried, worried, worried

The RWA National Conference is huge and overwhelming. The crazy thing is that romance writers are the nicest people on the planet. The ladies I was supposed to present with were so kind and understanding that it sent me on a crying jag. Seriously, what is wrong me!

Because why in the hell would I chose to board a cruise ship headed out of New Jersey into Hurricane Sandy as it cruised to Bermuda and NOT get on a plane bound for a place with awesome people and perhaps great opportunities? What is wrong with this picture? 

So next time I go to the doctor I'll talk to her about it. Meanwhile, a wonderful friend messaged me a website about anxiety so I'll give that a look over. 

And when I get it over it hopefully this won't happen... 

"I remember being onstage once when I didn't have fear: I got so scared I didn't have fear that it brought on an anxiety attack." Carly Simon

but I will worry that it will....